Saturday, September 25, 2010

Starting Over or Just Starting

Wow, have not written anything for quite some time. Not sure how to start.
I guess the best way is to say that I am sailing uncharted waters. This obscure writing is somewhat a type of therapy for me. I am fifty eight years old, feel like I am much younger, yet physically and mentally cannot deny my age. I know that sounds contradictory, but to look at me one would know that I am well past my forties, and the stuff I know and think about are things of the past. Make sense? Probably not, but as I said this is more of a theraputical writing just to make me feel better.
After thirty eight years of marriage I decided that I no longer wanted to be married and tied to the feelings and limitations of another person, that being my wife of course. She is not a bad person, she is who she is. It is just that living my life according to the desires and expectations of another person is more than I want to do. I have been someone other than myself for many years and what I want is to be me. Doing so would make her life miserable, and we would not be happy. Happiness in one's life is so important to me. I am not yet sure if I will ever be truly happy, but I do know that staying married is something I cannot do. I have some good years left, albeit I will more than likely not find the person I have created in my mind.
I remember the romance, the electric sensation of just holding hands, or sitting close. The pleasure of just a hug, the anticipation of a smile, the smile that says don't ever leave me! Why does that all go away. I think I am a hopeless romantic. Sex is even a part of it. Not all encompassing, but it is a part of it. When that goes away, the rest of your feelings follow.

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